Ahhhhhhhhhh!
I got called into work, but ignored it because silly me wanted to spend time with my husband and daughter for a day. I should have gone to work.
I got up and check on M. MIL was still a sleep and I knew she wanted to go to chruch so I woke her. She asked if I was going and I said no. I really don't have any desire to go to church around here. I just have no desire. She got all upset and said that she sits in chruch and cries. I ignored her, it's what I do. M, D and I were playing and relaxing in bed, just spending time together when she comes in and says "...its 9:10 and that she is discused with D. I knew she ment me too, but oh well. Then she storms out of the house. I thought she went to church, no she went to her house and locked the door. D,M and I spent the day together, we left her alone, around 4pm M went to see her and came back saying she was on the floor cying and couldn't get up. We went to check on her and she was crying and pouting saying she wanted to be left alone.
Later she comes back in saying it was all the Baptist fault that D was the way he was and why the Baptist couldnt leave them alone. I really think she is crazy.
She blasts the Baptist all the time, I mention the catholic spanards that murdered Indians in NM, or state historical past of the Catholic and I am pursicuting her.
She condems my daughter daily, and is upset that I get my mom and neice to watch her.
D works 100/week and she wants him to come home at 5pm everyday so they can have dinner and a nice chat. What part of reality does she not get. This is not a nine to five family.
I'm gone to work 16 hours, I have my life and things I need to do, D has a new busness and has to take care of his customers. It pays to take care of them. $200.00 for a little effort.

We had to buy a house with land and a place for her to build. I went way over debt to buy this place that I will never be able to unload on anyone. I hate TX. But I don't have anything in NM. I'm trapped because she had to come live with her 12year old son, who by the way is an adult and has been a long time. He is not her husband, but she likes to compair him to her ex-husband everyday.
She cries that she is not needed, No she is not, At this time I am not dying. It could all change in two months, but for now I am just fine. The Chemo is not too bad, but when it is, she doesnt even take care of M or check on me. she wont even try to understand D. I think my mom understand more than she does.

She puts words in my mouth and says i have the look of I Won in my eyes. I didn't know there was a contest. and yes I do win. I am the wife and mother. I am also a premadona. I always win. I may not always like the outcome or award, but yes I do win every time.

She has been crying about going back to Alaska. Go already we will rent out the shed I dont care anymore. I am beyond caring , I got over everything 6 months ago. Run away that is all she knows how to do. Does she talk things out no, I grew up in a family that we may yell, rant and rave, but when it was all over we were a family and for the most part we settled everything.

This is my space just to vent. A release from my inner termoil. I may not even use capital letters, correct grammer or spelling.

July 9, 2006

It is two years ago today that i found out i have terminal ovarian cancer stage 3c. I have now made the 50% statistic. In the past two years i have had 4 different chemo drugs and have never been in remission. I hate this cancer, it makes me weak, tired and spacey. I can't have a normal life, I can't enjoy my daughter, husband and animals. My parents moved here, my mother in law has now invaded, but do they lighten my burden? NO! they drive me crazy.
Some days i just want to drive away and never come back. To drive to Mexico down to a beach somewhere and hide. I don't care if the bills are paid, I don't care if the beds are made, the dishes are done or if I have clean underware. I just want to enjoy the remaining life i have with my daughter and my husband. But noooooooo I have to work, pay the fucking bills, take care of everybody but myself. I am sick of extended families, sick of working, sick of worrying about money, bills, and my credit. I want my life back. I want my house back, I want to get rid of all the junk we have collected for 40 years and have a empty house. I don't want to take care of anyone that is over the age of 18.


What I want to do.
Clean my house. Sell, trash and remove anything not needed to survive.
Clean my carpets.
Paint the tachy wood paneling that runs thru every white trash texas house.
Paint my bedroom
paint the hallway
set up my very own stamping crafting room that i dont have to clean up or put stuff away when i am thru.
i want to go to the beach and run barefoot in the sand
i want to go deepsea fishing or just regular in a lake fishing with my new rod and real.
i want my daughter cleaned, in her jamies and ready for bed when i get home so that i can just spend time with HER for a whole hour before we go to bed. I get so tired of getting her ready for bed and never getting to spend quality time. I want to read to her, watch tv with her or just sit at the table and talk with her. I want someone to have a light snack ready for me when i get home from work. or even just a cup of water.
i would like more than just 5 hours sleep when I work.

ranting time done. I feel better now. will probably rant more later.